I know that this is completely excessive and no one really cares—in fact, I have found no verifiable evidence that I even care—but I am going to do it anyway…
A translation for those of you who, like Yakko, have no idea what he's saying:
Once upon a time: you should probably jump ship now because it's likely to be all down hill from here.
a farmer: men are the breadwinners and strong members of the family; they do the work and have the cultural value; men are more important than women.
who had plenty of money and property: these are two very important maxims that must be strived for; money and property are two ways to judge a man.
had no children: but more important than those other really important values is reproduction; a man without children has much less intrinsic worth.
with his wife: if he had any with a mistress or some other person it doesn't count.
made fun of him and asked why he had no children: the imperative to procreate works on an a priori level; this is a socially enforced means of assessing status.
even if it is a hedgehog: humans have greater intrinsic value than hedgehogs but even the disgrace of having a hedgehog as a child would not outweigh the shame of being childless.
upper half was hedgehog and upper half human: it was not normal—it was an abomination, a crime against God and man.
nothing we can do about it now: it's bad to kill a human baby, no matter what it looks like, and disposing of it some other way some other way is likewise disallowed.
must be christened: religious practices and customs are non-optional social practices; Christianity is the one true religion and thusly must be followed and recognized; a name is an important feature of a person.
never find a godfather: no one would ever willingly choose to associate with anything so hideous; hideous things are not to be associated with except out of necessity.
only one name I can think of for him: a name must befit the one it belongs to; it is a way of identifying a subject and therefore must appropriately describe the subject.
Hans: a no one/ nothing name; generic; unremarkable; unimportant; it is a variant of "John" which represents the same; literal meaning "God's Grace", but who cares about that.
My: a burden that belongs to me.
Hedgehog: a hideous and horrible beast with sharp quills; unlovable and unworthy.
won't be able to sleep in a regular bed because of his quills: those who destroy what is given to them are ungrateful brats and deserve nothing; soft things are fragile; those that have regular beds have more intrinsic value and are better—this links to the importance of money but not solely.
some straw, spread it on the floor: a bed fit for an animal—as livestock in a barn; the floor is lower and thus less desirable.
behind the stove: where it is warm but hidden from view.
father got tired of him: it is alright to get bored with people or things after a given period of time; only interesting things are worth while; hideous things are not interesting enough to be considered worth while.
wished he might die: this is unspeakable but justified given the extreme circumstances.
did not die: Relatives rarely die when you want them to.
just kept lying there: Laziness is a sin; sloth is unforgiveable and makes one into a burden for others; get off your ass.
fair in town: fairs are not and everyday occurrence—this makes them special; rare things are special and important.
meat and a few rolls: food—necessary.
slippers and stockings: clothing—functional and pragmatic.
bagpipes: music—fun, but utterly frivolous and not valuable from a practical perspective.
shoe my rooster: take the first step to show that you really don't want me; give me the means by which to leave.
never come back: people do not change, and therefore, one who is undesirable now will be the same tomorrow and the next day and the next day, all the way until the day of his death.
happy at the idea: it is okay to rejoice in getting rid of someone you don't like.
taking some donkeys and pigs: a father must give to a son a livelihood, especially if he wants to get rid of him; when you want to get rid of someone, sometimes it becomes necessary to bribe them or meet their demands.
wanted to tend: finally decided to get off his ass and be productive for a change, but it was still by his own whim that he chose to do so.
into a tall tree: it is best to survey a large area from great height because it lets you see farther.
sat there for many years: did nothing.
herd was very large: herds will grow on their own, assuming that you do not slaughter them.
played his bagpipes and made beautiful music: the two are completely separate acts—not really… it was a joke… lighten up.
a king: royalty has more intrinsic value than other people do; they are just better.
a rooster with a hedgehog sitting on top of it playing music: an utterly absurd sight.
would show him the way: it is good to help people when you have the ability to do so.
if the king would promise: it is fine to ask for a reward for services rendered; if you have something that someone needs, then you can make demands.
in writing: written contracts are more concrete than spoken ones and therefor more valuable.
No danger in that: when one is willing to go back on one's word, there is nothing to keep one from promising the world.
can't understand writing: it is common that peasants are not literate, so there is nothing wrong with being illiterate.
I can write whatever I want: if there is no way to verify that you are doing as you said, then there is no way to prove that you did not do as you said; literacy is important because it keeps people from pulling a fast one on you.
saw him coming from afar: it is necessary for children to wait and watch continually for the return of their fathers from long trips.
overcome with joy that she ran out to meet him and kiss him: this is the appropriate greeting that a father should receive from a daughter upon returning home from a long trip.
explained to her what had happened: you must inform people when you make promises concerning them and their futures, and do so with some expediency.
playing beautiful music: kings are tone-deaf because they think bagpipes make beautiful music; or I guess it's possible that bagpipe music was considered beautifully as long as it was played well.
she would never have gone away with him anyway: to be married to something hideous would be a crime against life and unbearable.
always cheerful: happiness is a virtue and one who is happy is good.
forest was so large: only a dolt would get lost in a small forest.
music from afar: music that is beautiful is quite attractive and lures people to it; music is a sign of human proximity.
asked him what he was doing: it is alright to be inquisitive and question others as to their activities without prompting or cause.
what can I do for you: hospitality towards friends, neighbors, and strangers is important.
only daughter: an only child is much more valuable than a child with siblings because an only child cannot be replaced; a sibling can easily take another sibling's place.
was very beautiful: beauty was her best quality and is an important quality.
was very sorry that it happened to be her: giving away a daughter is harder than giving away a servant.
out of love for her old father: love constitutes duty; duty constitutes obedience.
distressed for he had believed Hans My Hedgehog had long been dead: you would be distressed too if you thought your son was dead and then all of a sudden he showed up again alive, or at least you should be; people don't just come back to life; it is alright to assume someone is dead if you have not seen or heard from them in a long time.
flew over the gate: when presented with an obstacle, it is best to bypass it.
otherwise he would take his life: threats are one means by which to receive what you want.
her father gave her: it is the fathers duty to give to his daughter much of his worldly possessions when he marries her off and gives her away, especially if he plans never to see her again.
stuck her with quills: this would be a painful experience; ouch.
This is what you get for being deceitful: if you break a social moral code, then you deserve to get punished; vengeance is a valid form of retribution and justice.
don't want you: don't wed a lying, cheating, self-centered bitch.
lived in disgrace: disfigurement and deformity are evidence of wrongs a person has done and should be recognized as such; not being pretty is bad, disgraceful, and depressing.
was startled and frightened because he looked so strange: you don't want to marry someone that is ugly.
nothing she could do: she's not very imaginative…
promised her father: an oath or vow or promise is binding and unbreakable.
quite afraid of his quills: having sex with someone covered in sharp spikes is a very difficult task and should be attempted only with great care; you don't want to get into a messy situation like that.
just like a human being: but not quite.
but he was pitch black: black people are hideous creatures too, just a little less than a hedgehog human hybrid would be an abomination and hideous.
became white and turned into a handsome young man: light skin is an important part of and prerequisite to beauty.
was very happy: it's always better to be married to someone when he is handsome.
got up in a joyful mood: sexual tension is a bitch—relieving it makes you happy.
marriage was performed again properly: marriage to something hideous is a false marriage and really should not count and cannot be celebrated.
bequeathed his kingdom: you can only give away your kingdom when you give it to someone who is handsome enough to be worthy; handsomeness precedes worthiness.
drove to visit his father: family is important, even if they disown you; it is important to strive for parental approval.
old man rejoiced: when something is no longer a horrible situation but clearly was before, this is a happy occasion.
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